I’m in my second year of a PhD program in mathematics. This year, I start the process of finding a thesis adviser. The search for an adviser in grad school is often likened to dating: the student first meets the professor by taking his class, thus having the opportunity to talk with him/her in a low-pressure situation. The student then nervously asks the prof if he/she would like to do a private reading course the next term. If the reading course goes well and student and prof hit it off, reading slowly morphs into research, and after several terms, the student musters the courage to pop the question: will you be my adviser? It’s a delicate dance. When a prof and student don’t work out it can be for any number of reasons: the prof’s math doesn’t interest the student, the prof manages the student’s work too little or too much, or perhaps there’s just a clash of personalities. If a student wants to work with a particular prof, it’s important to foster a good working relationship from the very beginning.
So here’s where I’m at: I’ve found a professor who I can see myself working with in the long term. He does interesting math and we get along. He’s very old, maybe 80 or 82, and he’s eccentric to say the least. He’s a genius who can’t attach things to emails. He drinks nothing but grape Crush. And he happens to have read me as male upon first meeting me. In fact, I recognized right off the bat that he was chummier with me than his female student, who was a friend of mine. He felt free to tell certain stories to me that he wouldn’t disclose to her, for instance. And he made an assumption, however subconscious, that I was a good mathematician. I didn’t have to prove a damn thing for him to think that; he just assumed it was so. Being a woman in math is different: once you show that you are indeed as good as your male counterparts, you are generally accepted as an equal. But as a default, many profs are skeptical of women at first. It’s an incredibly subtle trend in math, and unless you’d experienced it you’d probably think it was imagined or exaggerated. But this professor treated me differently than he would have if he’d thought I was female, I am sure of it. It felt a little slimy, but I must admit it was nice to feel that privilege.
I’ve been working with this professor now for only a couple weeks. Last night, one of his other students told me that he had heard that my “real” name was Anna. He was confused and asked her if it was true. Bless her, she said, “No, his name’s Adrian. And why are you asking me instead of him?” Oh fuck. My secret is threatening to burst out of the closet! I have never been stealth to anyone before, and it’s never seemed to matter. But now, I want him to continue to think I’m a boy, because that gets my foot in the door. If I worked with him for six months and gave him evidence that I really am good at math, then my trans status would probably be a non-issue. I don’t know if it will be an issue as it stands, but I am so scared that it will deter him from working with me further. This is the first time that being trans has threatened to negatively impact my career. It’s easy to be out and proud and appear brave and confident when you’re not the one targeted for discrimination. Now that I might be (and I don’t even know if I will be) that target, I am desperately pulling the closet doors shut!
I’m hoping for the best but damn, am I scared shitless.
Trans* 